Download PDF Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
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Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
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Audible Audiobook
Listening Length: 8 hours and 41 minutes
Program Type: Audiobook
Version: Unabridged
Publisher: Tantor Audio
Audible.com Release Date: July 14, 2016
Whispersync for Voice: Ready
Language: English, English
ASIN: B01IE0H6H2
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
Mind-blowing. I saw Alfie Kohn speak, and was deeply moved by his arguments against using positive reinforcement (bribes) and "logical consequences" (punishment) as a means to control children's behavior. He argues that by using a "doing to" approach, we teach our children that they should behave certain ways to either get rewards or avoid punishments. This removes the intrinsic desire to behave a certain way because it's the right way to behave, or because then our brother won't be unhappy and will play with us longer, etc. It confuses and changes the real reason we want our children to behave a certain way in the first place, and it controls their behavior through external means rather than helping them develop internal mechanisms for control. It can also make our children feel as though they're loved conditionally - his argument against forced time outs was absolutely heart-breaking and gut wrenching... to a small child, a forced time out is essentially forced isolation until they conform to something we want - it's the removal of our love and presence based on what a child has done. It's the opposite of unconditional love, and removes our support from them sometimes when they need it most.This book is not about quick fixes, or easy strategies to get your child to "behave". It's about avoiding punishments and bribes that result only in "short term compliance at an extremely high cost", and opting for an approach of working with your child, instead. The second part of his book discusses in great length, with examples, ways that we can work with our children.I don't agree completely with Kohn's removal of all parental praise - when his daughter climbed the stairs for the first time, he didn't applaud or freak out, he just said matter of factly "you did it". I'm more in the exuberant praise for major accomplishments category. However, I found his argument against using praise as a means of control extremely compelling. Don't praise your kid overly for putting his jacket on, because you want him to keep getting himself ready for school. Do celebrate (in my opinion) your children's accomplishments that they're proud of by sharing in their joy and applauding them also.If I could get every parent to read this book, I would. I am so grateful that I discovered Alfie Kohn's work when my sons were preschool age. I believe this could help me raise resilient kids who feel loved, who trust me to be on their side, and who are at lower risk for dangerous behaviors as teenagers because they've had an opportunity to learn the real consequences of actions - not that mom or dad will be mad, but that now something is broken and needs to be repaired, or they may have to choose a different college, or mom was up late worrying because they weren't home. Punishments and bribes obscure the real reason we should do something, make our kids feel conditionally loved, and don't have positive long-term impacts on behavior.
I'm thankful and blessed to have had the chance to read this book. It has inspired me to reflect on my parenting methods and evaluate the effects they have on my children. As much as I hate feeling controlled by other people I was in fact a completely over controlling father. I have learned that the goal of just getting kids to obey authority is very different from the goal of developing good judgement and responsibility. I say yes a lot more. I am more attentive and take their needs seriously. I no longer look at my kids as a an opponent that I need to pick battles with to win and show who is boss. I try my best to see things from their perspective. I listen to them better. I do my best to foster autonomy. I let them reasonably make as many decisions and choices as possible. I have a much clearer understanding of what unconditional love looks like. I focus on what my kid needs instead of caring what people are thinking when my 3 year old acts like a 3 year old in public. I don't sacrifice our long term goals and relationships for immediate compliance. I don't spank. I don't use time out. I don't give rewards. I don't use coercive strategies to try to manipulate my children. I guide and communicate and influence my children to behave a certain way because it is the moral thing to do not because they should fear punishment or look forward to a reward. I feel like I'm a 1000 times better of a father. The depth and quality of my relationships with my girls has soared....oh, and coincidentally, all of the terrible two's behavior issues that caused me to look at parenting books are gone! As hard as I try it know I will always have room to improve. I just thank the Lord for putting this book in front of me and making sure this parenting journey is going down the road of the Christian value of Unconditional Love. If you have kids spend 7 bucks and buy it. I'm warning you though, it will have you questioning everything you thought you knew about parenting and discipline.
I really had high hopes for this as it sounded like it had a lot of potential. Unfortunately i couldn't get very far due to the scattered thought patterns of the writing style. For those familiar with Myers/Briggs this is written from a super intuitive perspective which means no structed order. The thoughts and ideas are all over the place. The author is extremely repetitive, rehashing thoughts he has already stated multiple times before. I read an honest 40 minutes of this book but had to out it down, never to pick it up again. I even skipped to other sections of the book hoping he would...."eventually get to the point".... but to no avail. Grand platitudes, and not much specifics. I'm sure he does get to the specifics of his parenting philosophy but it was like pulling teeth reading this trying to find something...anything!?! Im gonna try to find him on youtube. Maybe being time-locked in a short video will force him to get to the specifics better as I still think his parenting Philosophy sounds positive.
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